First Spring Check In

Physically: tired

Emotionally: hopeful

Mentally: cautious

Spiritually: not quite as alone

Today I've Managed to...

-take my meds! Yay for my short-term sanity!

-go to the chiropractor. Yay for my back!

-make my kids breakfast. Yay for being a mom!

Um, that's about it.

Wait.

-email my ARNP for a new appt. Yay for my long-term sanity!

-email a new dentist. Yay for confronting my fears!

And now it is time to get ready to go to work.

Check-in time.

Physical: tired

Mental: fuzzy

Emotional: tentatively hopeful

Spiritual: disconnected

Get! Out! Of! My! Head!

I am a neurotic fool. It's true, I am. That's all I can say on it at the moment.

A Snapshot of My Childhood

*We lived out in the countryside when I was young. My mother and I were single - we lived alone in a trailer, across the field a "country block" away from my grandparents. I remember one night (it was dark out) when I must've been, oh, I don't know, 4 or 5 years old? when a tornado came through.

We had enough warning of the weather to make it over to my grandparents' house. We were all in the basement (unfinished, stone walls, clammy.... three deep freezes, shelves made of boards filled to bending with canned goods.... spiderwebs in the beams above our heads) when I realized that I had forgotten my beloved teddy bear at home. I was apparently unconsolable - I don't remember that.

I do remember that my uncle.... a young man at the time, maybe 20 years old? got into his car and drove from my grandparents' house to our trailer. He only made it part of the way, our road had downed electric lines lying across the gravel. He parked his car and walked the rest of the way, rescued my teddy bear, walked back to his car, and returned to the house.

The next day, we went back home. Our trailer was still where it was supposed to do, and in perfect shape. But our garage was completely gone - as if it had never existed.

Love. The things that people will do in the name of love.

Sitting Amongst Myself

What is it about an overcast sky that deepens my breath? The clouds hang, heavily, over my head. But the weight isn't an unbearable one - it doesn't smother my heart or feel thick in my lungs... it somehow slows my thoughts and turns me gently, pleasantly lightheaded. My gaze is at once sharpened - I can pinpoint the birds that chatter in the trees nearby, and softened - I feel almost as if my being could float away from where I sit and wander in the sky.

Oftentimes, an absence of sunshine feels like an abandonment, a forced loneliness. But today I seem to be at peace, and the clouds lend a degree of comfort, a worn and frayed quilt draped over my shoulders.

And as my child wakes, his cries piercing the stillness of this thick air, I feel oddly blessed to be exactly where I am, in this moment, in this day.

This New Adventure

I generally consider myself an adventurous sort, although my life lately hasn't born much proof of that. I've somehow become a fairly traditional woman/mother/wife - a stay at home mom, nonetheless! - and at first glance, it's thoroughly perplexing, even to - especially to! - me. But when I take the time to really look at my life, I realize that my adventuring isn't over, it's merely different. My life has been full to the brim of accomplishments and mistakes, and there are more of both of those made every.single.day.

So today I'm beginning this blog, as a way of looking into myself, as a way of exploring how I swim through life and how life washes over me. I'm going meta. Welcome to my world.

xoxo,
MommaMetta